The Star of Azazel - Azazelin Tähti

Fear touches all of us at least at some point in our lives. What kind of fears do you have? How do you handle them?

Sometimes I have thought that fearful thoughts are like inverse fantasies, in the way that usually they have quite fantastical elements and as you can think about certain scenario then maybe real horror would be something else entirely.
Commonly recurring theme is fear of being in state of helplessness and there is nothing you can do to prevent consequences happening.

I don't want to elaborate on that, but I believe the reader can fill in the blanks quite well on that.

I have been fearing spiders ages. Last summer I found a really big spider (In Finnish standards) dwelling in my home. My first reaction was to kill it - like really smash it but I ended up living three days with it. Actually I called her Spider Lady. It was constantly moving around my ceilings reminding that I'm here.

I think that spiders and their webs are related to Maya/worldly illusions and its creation - destruction cycles and therefore in the end goes beyond of Maya. At the same time I also struggled with fears related to my own creativity and somehow consuming sexual drives as every time when I was really creative also my sexual drives rose and like literally started to create its webs around me. So there started to be a vicious circle to somehow try to be a not active in creation.

But there also came a moment of great relief as during the third day I started to notice that Spider Lady was turning to be very slow. So I was able to catch it and released it outside.

One spider: something so mundane to others and I'm still processing this.

I'm afraid of new places with strangers. I don't mean being in public places, but for example, new schools and jobs, new groups. I have a fear that i won't fit into the group in some way and people find out that there is something badly wrong with me (I don't know what that thing might be, i'm not really that special) and i'm obsessed with thinking that people automatically think of something negative about me and I start to interpret people's small unconscious gestures, expressions, word choices and tone of voice so that my probably wrong interpretations amplify the illusion that those people I just met hate and despise me, consider me really stupid or something and my mind tries to come up with all sorts of reasons why this could be .. "It's because you said that or you did that..", (even if my expression was neutral and appropriate to the situation at the time) . Sometimes that fear lead to such panic and then I really start behaving weird in other people's eyes, for example I can't hear what someone is saying to me because I'm not present at the moment or I say something stupid and irrelevant in the situation to fill the silence.

And all this makes no sense because at the same time I know that people have their own worries and stuff, they most likely don’t think of me at all in those situations, those things don’t really relate to me, their small unconscious gestures don’t relate to me or I most likely read them wrong, and I guess that doesn't even really matter if someone didn’t like me for some reason. This fear is very selfish after all and it doesn't help anyone. Horrible.

What i am trying to do about it is that i am trying to expose myself more to situations like that, I don't want that fear to stop me from doing the things I need to do

I 'm also afraid of high places.

My main childhood fear was witches, more accurately, a witch hag, who would chase me in my dreams. Later interests in life, have reduced this fear. I believe this fear has been a kind of a warning in my occult emphasis; what are the hurtful and/or dangerous ways for me to express it.

Feelling fear for the first time in a long time. Afraid of something I've found out, about myself. More than one thing. One is incredibly banal. Has to do with addictions. How pathetic.

My greatest fear is fear itself or perhaps my inability to control my fear. They say that fear cannot persist where love resides, but it seems that love produces fear.

I fear what i might become if i lose the rest of people that are close to me. Or perhaps i will end myself before that happens, in any case i don't see myself staying the same when/if that happens and that frightens me.

Seferoth wrote: ↑Thu Mar 10, 2022 3:16 am I fear what i might become if i lose the rest of people that are close to me. Or perhaps i will end myself before that happens, in any case i don't see myself staying the same when/if that happens and that frightens me.

What causes such fears of losing your close ones? I mean, why do you think you might lose them?

Aquila wrote: ↑Thu Mar 10, 2022 2:59 pm

Seferoth wrote: ↑Thu Mar 10, 2022 3:16 am I fear what i might become if i lose the rest of people that are close to me. Or perhaps i will end myself before that happens, in any case i don't see myself staying the same when/if that happens and that frightens me.

What causes such fears of losing your close ones? I mean, why do you think you might lose them?

Everybody dies, i am afraid that they die before i do. Persons close to me are older than me as well, the most important person for me is my mother. My sanity and morality is pretty much tied to them, sad thing to say, but in my case it's the truth.